This is the real paradox of anorgasmia. Let me explain:
You learnt something a long time ago: if you search hard enough, you find. If you work hard enough, you win. If you concentrate enough, you succeed.
It works for almost everything.
It does not work for orgasm.
Because orgasm is not a reward waiting at the end of a straight line. It is not a prize you win by being diligent enough, aroused enough or ‘everything’ enough.
Orgasm is a wild animal.
The moment you understood that you had to find it, the moment you decided to search for it, was the moment it ran away.
You are searching. So is your brain.
Here is what really happens when you try to have an orgasm.
You are in bed. You begin. Very quickly, your attention divides.
Part of you tries to feel pleasure. But the other part, the more conscious and watchful one, looks for orgasm.
‘Is it coming? Am I getting closer? Why is it not coming? Does my partner think this is taking too long? Am I doing something wrong? Maybe if I think about something else… No, wait, I have to feel what is happening.’
Your brain becomes an alert radar. Searching. Hunting.
While your brain hunts, your body closes down.
Because the body cannot simultaneously feel pleasure and desperately search for pleasure. They are opposite states.
This is exactly what research shows: nearly 43% of women report distress or anxiety during sexual intercourse, which directly blocks access to pleasure.
The vicious loop of anorgasmia: searching → anxiety → pressure → nothing
| Misguided advice | The real approach | |
|---|---|---|
| The problem | ‘It is just in your head’ | Your nervous system on alert |
| The solution | Relax, make an effort | Stop searching, learn to surf |
| The result | The harder you try, the further it goes | The calmer you become, the closer it comes |
| Who offers it | Most ‘advice’ | A neuroscience-based approach |
It is a loop that feeds itself.
You search for orgasm.
Because you search for it, you fear not finding it.
Because you are afraid, your nervous system goes on alert.
Because your nervous system is on alert, pleasure becomes inaccessible.
Because pleasure is inaccessible, you search even harder.
The wheel turns. Again. And again.
Every attempt reinforces the message: ‘I must find it. I must produce it. I must force it.’
Every time you do not find it, another message grows stronger too: ‘Something is wrong with me. I must try harder.’
The harder you try, the more anxious you become. The more anxious you become, the further away it feels.
Why orgasm is a wild animal
To really understand, you need to understand that orgasm does not arise from force. It arises from safety.
A wild animal only approaches if you:
- Stop chasing it
- Sit quietly
- Create a safe space
- Wait patiently
If you rush towards it, it flees. If you set a trap, it senses danger. If you calm your breathing and remain present, sometimes it approaches.
Orgasm works the same way.
As long as you chase it, watch for it and ask yourself ‘why is it not coming?’ it has a reason to stay away. You are in hunting mode, and a wild animal senses that.
The misguided advice: ‘Relax, let go’
You have probably been told this. Several times.
‘Relax. Let go. Stop thinking. Be present.’
As though it were a conscious decision. As though you could simply choose not to think about orgasm.
It is like standing at the water’s edge waiting for the waves to wash over you, then swallowing seawater while telling yourself, ‘just relax!’
Passivity does not work because you are not passive. You are active. Trying. Searching.
You are simply searching for the wrong thing.
The real approach to anorgasmia: learning to surf
Surfing is completely different from staying passively on the beach.
When you surf, you do not wait. You are not passive. You do not give anything up.
But you are not chasing anything either.
You understand the waves. You notice where they are going. You place your focus in the right spot. You bring your inner calm so you do not panic once you are in them.
You work with the wave, not against it or by forcing it. You understand it and participate intelligently.
That is what learning to surf orgasm means.
What that means:
1. Understanding the waves
Your own physiology. How your arousal works. Your actual sensations, not the ones you think you ought to have.
2. Putting your focus in the right place
Not on the outcome, orgasm, but on the process. On what you feel now. Here. Not where you want to arrive.
3. Bringing your calm
Your nervous system must be calm enough to access pleasure. If you are panicking and searching, you are too alert.
This balance between active participation and inner calm is what allows the wild animal to approach.
Thoughts going round in circles: the real trap of anorgasmia
This is probably what blocks you most.
You are in bed, and your brain becomes a hamster on a wheel:
‘Is it coming? No, it is not. Why? Maybe I am doing something wrong. Maybe my partner thinks it is taking too long. Maybe I am frigid. Maybe I should think of something more exciting. No, I should be present. Why am I not aroused? Maybe he is not skilled enough. No, stop, it is not his fault. It is mine. I need to relax. RELAX. But how do you relax by asking your brain to relax?’
While your brain does this, you are nowhere. You are not in your body. You are in your head, panicking.
This thought cycle is the prison.
Getting out requires a conscious interruption.
Not simply: ‘Stop thinking.’
Instead: Feel what is happening. Here. Now. Let the thoughts pass like clouds.
This is the practice of surfing. Thoughts come like waves. You do not fight or chase them. You stay on your board, anchored in the present moment.
What most therapists get wrong
They say: ‘Communicate better with your partner. Tell them what you want.’
Or: ‘Perhaps it is psychological. You need to work on your childhood.’
Or: ‘Try more powerful sex toys. Or a different partner.’
These are not lies. But they do not address the source.
The source is your relationship with the search itself.
As long as you are in ‘I must find orgasm’ mode, no sex toy, partner or conversation will unlock it.
Because the problem is not the sex toy. It is your panicking nervous system.
My method: switching off the search
What I do in my practice is really simple:
1. We identify the loop
Where does the belief that you must force it come from? When did it begin? What does your family say about pleasure? What were you implicitly told about sexuality?
2. We teach you to ‘surf’
With practical exercises. Breathing. Sensate focus. Presence.
→ How to practise sensate focus
3. We work on the relationship if relevant
Sometimes, a partner’s silent pressure adds to the weight. We clarify things, bring them into the open and release the pressure.
→ Anorgasmia and relationships: the silent pressure
4. We make pleasure normal again
Without a goal. Just sensations. Just presence.
Often, after 4–6 weeks of practice, things shift. Not always a full orgasm, but presence. A sensation. An opening.
That is where the wild animal begins to approach.
3 tools to begin now
Tool 1: 6-4-2 breathing
Before intimacy.
Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds. Hold for 2 seconds. Breathe out slowly through your mouth for 6 seconds.
Repeat 10 times.
This immediately calms your nervous system. Your body understands: ‘We are safe. We can relax.’
Tool 2: shifting your focus
During intimacy, if you notice yourself searching:
Ask yourself this simple question: ‘What can I feel now?’
Not: ‘Is it coming?’
Just: ‘What am I feeling?’ Texture, warmth, contact.
Stay with that for 3 minutes. Then continue.
It is a small action. It brings everything back into focus.
→ The detailed article on sensate focus
Tool 3: the orgasm ban, paradoxically
Give yourself conscious permission not to have one.
‘I do not need an orgasm today. My aim is to feel. That is all.’
It sounds counterintuitive. But it is powerful.
Often, the moment you stop searching is the moment it becomes possible.
Frequently asked questions
How long before I notice a change?
It depends on the intensity of your anxiety and your beliefs. Some women notice a shift in 3–4 weeks. Others need 2–3 months. Consistency in the work is what matters.
Does my partner need to come too?
It is not compulsory, but it often helps. If your partner also understands the loop, they can stop silently adding pressure. → Couples consultation
What if it really is a medical issue, such as hormones or medication?
Begin by checking with a gynaecologist. Honestly, though, even when something physiological is involved, psychological pressure almost always plays a major role. → Anorgasmia and medication
Is there a chance orgasm will never return?
Yes, that is possible, and that is OK. Before giving up, though, it is worth really trying to surf. Women often discover that they could have an orgasm; they were simply searching too hard.
I have been faking for a long time. How do I stop without hurting my partner?
It is a conversation to have. ‘I have realised I have been faking. It was not your fault. It was to protect myself. I would like to be honest now.’ Most partners prefer honesty to lies. → How to talk to your partner about anorgasmia
Do we really need orgasm for a healthy relationship?
No, nothing in life is ‘really important’. But understanding ourselves and going beyond our limits — I do not know about you, but I think those are actually among the most important things. Orgasm matters less than eating, but more than many material things. If it matters to you, if this question haunts you, it is worth exploring.
If you are ready to surf
If you feel it is time to stop searching and begin understanding, I am here.