You were probably taught that consent is simple: they say yes, it is fine. They say no, you stop. Like a switch — on/off. That is a good beginning. And it is terribly inadequate.
I will try to share what I tell my patients in the practice — often after the fact, when they come to talk about a first time they did not really choose, or a current relationship in which the “yes” they give does not really come from them.
The two non-negotiable principles
Consent that is not informed is not consent. If you say yes without really understanding what you are saying yes to — not just physically, but emotionally, relationally and practically — your yes is empty. Consenting to something you do not know, have never experienced and whose implications you cannot gauge is not consenting. It is jumping into the void and hoping someone has put a net below.
Consent under pressure is not consent. If your yes comes from fear of losing someone, exhaustion from resisting, a need to be like everyone else, shame about saying no, or manipulation by someone who knows exactly what to say — it is not a yes. It is surrender.
The five qualities of real consent
1. Freely given
Freely given means without pressure. Not just without an explicit threat, but without the whole range of subtle pressures: the pressure of a deadline (“we’ve been together for six months”), peer pressure (“all my friends have done it”), time pressure, the pressure of past investment, pressure about your image, internalised pressure. A yes that comes from any of these pressures is not freely given.
The test: if all outside pressures disappeared tomorrow, would you still want to say yes tonight, to this person, in these circumstances?
2. Informed
Informed means you know what you are saying yes to. Before saying yes, you know technically what is going to happen (foreplay, penetration, possible sensations, lubrication, contraception, the possibility of pain, the possibility of stopping), emotionally what may happen within you (vulnerability, joy, discomfort, ambivalence), and relationally what it may mean with this partner.
3. Enthusiastic
Real consent is “yes, I want to”. With an energy that is not merely intellectual. With a body that opens, not one that resigns itself. The absence of no is not a yes. There are a thousand reasons not to say no — fear, tiredness, wanting to please. A partner who knows how to listen does not settle for the absence of protest.
4. Ongoing
A yes is not a green light given once and for all. It is a continuing conversation. You can consent to foreplay and not to penetration. You can consent to penetration and change your mind halfway through. Ongoing consent is consent checked through ongoing attention.
5. Reversible
You can change your mind. At any time. Including halfway through, including when you are already naked, including if you actively said yes five minutes earlier. No explanation is required. The right to stop is as strong as the right to begin.
Why consent is not enough
You can say yes by every rule — a freely given, informed, enthusiastic, ongoing and reversible yes — and still have an experience you regret. Because consent is a legal minimum, not a standard for a relationship. It is like saying a meal is a success because it is not toxic. Technically true, but it completely misses what matters.
A partner who settles for your “yes” without checking how you actually are is an opportunist, not a lover. You deserve much more than a partner who ticks the consent box. You deserve someone for whom your pleasure, safety and wellbeing matter as much as their desire.
Recognising control disguised as charm
Control can look like charm. Here are phrases to recognise: “If you really loved me, you would…” “All girls your age have done it.” “I’m patient, but I have needs.” “You turned me on; now follow through.” “It’s just natural between us.” “I respect your choice, but…” “At your age, it’s no longer normal to…” If you hear them, your yes is not freely given. It is conditioned.
The minimum threshold and the real horizon
Freely given, informed, enthusiastic, ongoing and reversible consent is the minimum threshold. The real horizon is a partner who takes your desire seriously, slows down at subtle signals, prefers postponing to a bad experience, and cares about your pleasure as much as their own — not as a bonus, but as a condition. You have the right to aim for that horizon.
My book VIRGINITÉ — Spécial Filles explores these questions and 139 others, in the voice of a sex therapist who does not judge. 140 questions, 140 answers, to choose rather than endure. Due for publication on 1 September 2026 — [LIEN_AMAZON_VIRGINITE].