You feel guilty for not coping. Your overwhelmed nervous system is the problem, not you. Support for parental burnout in Paris and online.
What you do not dare tell anyone
You look at your child and feel nothing. Or worse, you feel annoyance. Irritation. Sometimes anger.
He cries and you want to run away. She calls ‘Mummy’ for the hundredth time and something inside you tightens.
You hear yourself shouting. You see yourself losing patience over ridiculous things. You close the bathroom door just to have two minutes of silence.
Then comes the guilt. Enormous. ‘I am a bad mother. Other people manage.
Why cannot I?’
You do not talk about it. Because these things are not supposed to be said. Because you are ashamed. Because you fear being judged, or worse, being told you are right.
It is not you. It is your nervous system.
I am going to tell you something nobody tells you.
What you are experiencing is not a personality problem. It is not a problem with love. It is not a problem with your ability to mother.
It is an overwhelmed nervous system.
Your body has an alarm system. When all is well, it rests.
When there is danger, it activates to protect you and help you react.
The problem is that this system is not designed to stay activated all the time. It is designed for occasional emergencies, not months or years of too little sleep, constant demands and an unrelenting mental load.
When the nervous system is overwhelmed, it stays stuck on alert. Everything becomes too much. Noise. Touch. Requests. Even your child’s voice.
It does not mean you do not love them. Your body no longer has the resources to respond. It is in survival mode.
The difference between tiredness and exhaustion
Tiredness recovers with rest. You have a good night’s sleep and feel better.
Maternal exhaustion is different. It is when rest is no longer enough. When even after a decent night, if you get one, you wake up drained. When holidays change nothing. When you feel you have been running on reserves for months.
Here are signs your nervous system is overwhelmed:
You are constantly irritable. The smallest thing annoys you. You do not recognise yourself.
You have lost pleasure. Things that used to feel good leave you feeling nothing. You go through the motions.
You feel detached. From your child. From your partner. From yourself. As though watching your life from outside.
You have thoughts you do not dare admit. ‘I should not have had a child.’ ‘I want to leave.’ ‘I am not made for this.’
Your body speaks. Headaches, tension, sleep problems, weight loss or gain, no libido at all.
What about postnatal depression?
Maternal exhaustion and postnatal depression are not the same thing. But they can coexist, and sometimes one leads to the other.
Postnatal depression affects your mood deeply: persistent sadness, emptiness, dark thoughts and feeling that nothing will ever improve.
Maternal exhaustion means your body has reached its limit. You are not necessarily sad; you are drained. You do not necessarily want to die; you want it to stop.
Both need support. If you recognise yourself in depression, speak to a doctor. If you recognise yourself in exhaustion, speak about that too, although the work will be different.
Why you judge yourself so harshly
You compare yourself with other mothers. The ones who seem to cope. The ones smiling on Instagram. The ones doing creative activities with their children while you are just surviving.
You tell yourself: ‘They manage. Why cannot I?’
Here is what you do not see.
You do not see their support system. The grandmother who takes the children on Wednesdays. The partner who gets home early. The nanny, cleaner and financial resources that lighten the load.
You do not see their history. Perhaps they have not experienced what you have. Perhaps their nervous system does not have the same history of stress.
You do not see behind the scenes. What they do not show. What they do not say. The moments when they break down too.
Above all, you compare yourself with an ideal that does not exist: the perfect mother, always patient, available and fulfilled. It is not a standard. It is a fantasy.
What you need, and it is not advice
When you are exhausted, advice is no use. ‘Take time for yourself.’ ‘Delegate.’ ‘Exercise.’ You know all this. But you do not have the resources to do it.
What you need first is to stop being alone with it.
Change happens naturally when we feel another person’s presence and warmth.
It is biological. Your nervous system regulates through contact with another regulated nervous system.
Then you need to understand what is happening. That it is not you. That your body is doing what it can with what it has. That the guilt you feel is a symptom, not a truth.
And you need practical tools to regulate your nervous system. No grand theories. Simple things you can do in your daily life as an overwhelmed mother.
3 tools to begin regulating
These are not miracle solutions. They are first steps.
1. Physiological breathing: 2 minutes
When you feel you are about to explode, pause. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4. Breathe out through your mouth for a count of 8. Making the out-breath longer than the in-breath activates the parasympathetic system, the calming one.
Do this 5 times. It does not solve everything, but it can prevent the explosion.
2. Cold contact
Run cold water over your wrists and the back of your neck, or hold an ice cube in your hand. Cold activates the vagus nerve and reduces nervous system activation.
It sounds basic. It is simple. It works.
3. A phrase to ease guilt
When guilt rises, tell yourself, aloud if possible: ‘I am doing what I can with the resources I have. My nervous system is overwhelmed. This is not a character flaw.’
This is not positive thinking. It is the truth. Reminding yourself changes something.
It is not your fault. But it is your responsibility.
I will be direct with you.
What you are experiencing is not your fault. Your nervous system is overwhelmed. You did not choose this. You did not do something ‘wrong’.
But now that you know what is happening, now that you have words for it, you have a responsibility.
Your children absorb everything.
They absorb your tension, irritability and exhaustion. They do not understand that your nervous system is speaking. They think it is them. Their fault. That Mummy is angry because of them.
They learn to regulate their emotions by watching you regulate yours. If you are constantly in survival mode, they absorb the idea that this is life. That being at breaking point is normal.
That this is how people function.
I am not saying this to make you feel guilty. I am saying it to wake you up.
You are not responsible for having reached this point. But you are responsible for what you do now: seeking help, not allowing the situation to become entrenched, and caring for yourself. Not out of selfishness, but because it is the best thing you can do for your children.
A mother who feels better means a child who feels better.
Seeking support is not a luxury. It is not ‘taking time for yourself’ while the children wait. It is giving them a mother who is more regulated, more present and more available.
You deserve to feel better. Your children deserve a mother who feels better too.
So do something. Now. Not tomorrow. Not when things become really bad.
Now.
Why seek support?
You can try on your own. But here is why support helps.
Because you need somewhere to put it down. To say the awful things you think without being judged. To stop carrying it alone.
Because shame traps you. While you hide what you are experiencing, it remains toxic inside. Telling someone who understands is freeing.
Because you can no longer see clearly. You are so overwhelmed that you no longer know what is normal, what is not or what you need.
Because your nervous system needs help to regulate. Tools, breathing and grounding can be learnt. They are more easily shared in a session than through reading an article.
What I can do for you
I see many exhausted mothers. What you are experiencing does not shock me. I will not look at you in horror if you tell me you have wanted to leave.
Or that you sometimes regret it. Or that you do not like being a mother.
My work is to help you understand what is happening in your body, regulate your nervous system, move beyond guilt and find space again, for yourself and your child.
I will not give you advice you cannot put into practice. I will support you where you are, with what you have. With warmth and with commitment.