‘It doesn’t matter’: when reassurance becomes silence between partners

I no longer offer consultations for premature ejaculation. This article remains a reading resource; to explore further, I recommend Étienne Vallon’s book.

You ejaculate quickly. She says, ‘It doesn’t matter.’ You say, ‘Sorry.’ She says, ‘Stop, don’t apologise.’ You say, ‘Thank you.’ Sex ends. You fall asleep facing away from each other.

The following month, the same scene. The following year too. Gradually, without either person deciding it, sex disappears from the relationship. Not in anger or a dramatic break-up, but in polite silence.

This is a familiar pattern in couples affected by premature ejaculation (PE). It can be particularly difficult to recognise because it looks like mutual consideration. Yet when it hides what both people feel, it can slowly erode the relationship.

The well-intentioned untruth: how the trap works

For the partner saying the words, the intention is to avoid hurting you. She loves you and wants to soften the moment. She says ‘it doesn’t matter’ when some frustration remains. Naming it feels impossible: ‘If I say something, he’ll feel even worse.’ So she minimises it to protect you.

For the man hearing it, something may not ring true. You sense her frustration. Yet accepting the reassurance also lets you avoid a difficult conversation. Both of you are afraid to lift the veil. A tacit agreement takes shape: ‘We won’t talk about it; that’s easier for both of us.’

Except it does not really help either of you.

Three quiet effects on the relationship

1. It creates an invisible emotional distance

When you hide the truth from your partner, even kindly, distance can grow. At first it may be only a thin layer between you. You both sense something is being left unsaid, and neither names it. Over time, that small distance can become a wall.

2. It cuts you off from a powerful resource: a shared truth

A couple who can name a difficulty can begin working on it. Keeping up ‘it doesn’t matter’ can make it harder to seek help together. Each person remains alone with unspoken distress.

3. It can feed the anxiety around PE

Pretending everything is fine can create more anxiety than speaking respectfully. You sense that something is wrong and keep wondering what she really thinks: ‘Is she disappointed? Will she leave?’ That uncertainty feeds performance anxiety. A kindly intended silence may end up maintaining the very pressure you hoped to avoid.

When ‘it doesn’t matter’ really is true

There are couples for whom it genuinely does not matter. Not every woman relies on penetration for pleasure; some prefer touch, oral sex or play to prolonged intercourse. If that is true for you, say it clearly: ‘Long penetration isn’t what makes me come. It’s what we do before and afterwards. I’m not frustrated by the length of it.’ A positive, specific statement says what is true, rather than sounding like minimisation. Clear reassurance can remove the uncertainty.

How to move beyond ‘it doesn’t matter’

For the partner: opening the conversation

If you want to break the silence, you may need to offer the first sentence. Make it an honest invitation rather than an accusation, and choose a moment outside the bedroom. Here are formulations that can help:

‘I’d like us to talk about our sex life. Not to blame you, but to find out together how it could feel better for both of us.’
‘I often say it doesn’t matter. I’d like to tell you the truth, which is a little more complicated.’
‘I feel that we’re not talking and it’s putting distance between us. I need us to break that silence.’

The aim is not to solve everything in one conversation. It is to make room for the conversation. Then the work can begin.

For the man experiencing PE: hearing it without turning against yourself

If she opens the conversation, try not to respond with ‘I’m sorry, I’m useless.’ That can make her feel she must close it again to protect you. Instead, try:

‘Thank you for telling me. I sensed there was more to it, but I was afraid to talk too.’
‘What would feel good for you? I want us to explore that together, without blaming either of us.’
‘I want us to work on this. Would you like us to seek support?’

You make it possible for her to speak honestly without feeling punished for doing so. That is how the conversation can stay open.

What may change when the silence lifts

Sex may feel less like a test and more like connection. Changes in ejaculation timing vary; honest conversation is not a guaranteed treatment.
Emotional closeness may return, making other conversations easier too.
The man may feel less alone and discover that his partner is beside him.
The partner can breathe more freely, without feeling solely responsible for protecting the other person’s feelings.

Polite silence does not necessarily protect either of you. Breaking it can be an act of love: ‘I care about you enough to be honest, and I care about us enough to be honest with myself.’ If you are reading this together, you can start with a conversation now.