You thought a baby would bring you closer. You feel further apart.

But nobody told you what it would do to your relationship.

The sleepless nights. The constant exhaustion. Arguments about who does what. A body that no longer feels like your own. Desire that has disappeared. Time for yourselves that no longer exists.

You have become tired teammates. Housemates managing the practicalities. But where has the couple gone?

What changes in a relationship after a baby

Here is what new parents seeking online couples therapy describe:

“We only talk about the children.” Practicalities, organising, schedules. Everything else has disappeared.

“I carry everything.” The mental load, the appointments, the meals, the nights. And my partner does not see it.

“I try to help, but I always get it wrong.” My partner does it again after me. I feel useless and left out.

“We argue about everything since becoming parents.” Screens, bedtime, boundaries. Every subject becomes a battle.

“I do not want to be touched any more.” My body no longer feels like mine. I have had too much physical contact.

“Are we still a couple?” Or just parents living together?

What can happen when a relationship crisis goes unaddressed

A child may pick up on tension between their parents. Putting your exhaustion and conflicts into words allows us to begin working on the atmosphere at home.

Resentment builds. Each accusation adds to the pile. The gap widens.

One of you may pull away, emotionally or physically.

You may then feel that you are raising a child together without connecting as a couple.

Relationship difficulties after a baby I offer support with online

  • Parental exhaustion — You have nothing left to give. To anyone.
  • An unequal mental load — One person carries everything; the other feels left out or criticised.
  • Arguments about parenting — You see the rules differently.
  • No desire since the baby arrived — No sex and no affection.
  • One parent feels left out — The child always goes to the other. They feel useless.
  • The couple has disappeared — Only the parents remain.
  • When a parent is experiencing postnatal depression — You may need to talk about its effects on your relationship and how to support each other.

My approach with new parents

I am Scarlett Kaplan, a couples therapist and sexologist. I work mainly online by video call, and also in Paris.

I am familiar with the difficulties couples face after a baby. It is one of the most common situations I see.

My role is to translate what is happening beneath the arguments.

Behind conflicts about screens or bedtime, there is something else. Exhaustion you do not know how to name. Resentment you do not dare express. Needs that have not been heard.

Online therapy when you are new parents

Video sessions can make organising therapy with a baby easier. We look for a time when you can be available for the session; a nap does not always guarantee that.

No travelling. When you are exhausted, leaving home takes effort. A video call saves you that.

We choose appointment times according to availability and your commitments.

Accessible whether you are in Paris, elsewhere in France or abroad.

Less to organise. There is no journey, although you still need to arrange time for the session.

Video sessions allow us to work on your conversations, your reactions and your relationship. We choose this format if your circumstances allow you to speak freely.

What online therapy for new parents involves

In the first session, we make room for your exhaustion. You attend the video call together. Each of you describes your tiredness, your frustration and what you miss.

We work to understand what is happening beneath the arguments. Parenting conflicts often have unheard needs beneath them. We identify those needs.

We work on your relationship as well as the practical arrangements: connection, recognising each other and making space for the two of you.

If desire has stalled, we work on that too. It is part of my work as a sexologist.

Between sessions, there are practical exercises. Small moments of connection that do not take hours.

The aim is to remain a couple as well as being parents.

Can we attend a session with a baby at home?

It can be arranged, but you need a time when you can talk and listen. If the baby wakes, we adapt to the circumstances of the session.

Is it common to struggle to tolerate each other after a baby?

Tiredness and changes to everyday life can create tension. If what is developing between you is painful, you can talk about it without first having to decide whether it is “normal”.

We do not have time for couples therapy. What can we do?

Video sessions remove the journey, but a session still needs your time and attention. We look at a rhythm that fits your situation.

Will desire return after a baby?

It can change with time and your circumstances. We explore tiredness, your experience of your body and your relationship, without imposing a timetable or expecting you to have sex.

Is it my fault that our relationship has become difficult since the baby arrived?

We do not reduce what you are going through to one person’s fault. We look at exhaustion, how responsibilities are shared and how you speak to each other, while keeping each person accountable for their actions.