You no longer touch each other. Or you do, without wanting to.

Perhaps you still make love. Now and then. Out of duty. Out of habit. But the desire is no longer there.

Or perhaps you have stopped altogether. No sex. No caresses. No lingering kisses. Barely a quick, automatic peck.

You wonder where the desire went. And whether that spark can return.

What it feels like when desire is missing

Here is what couples seeking online support for a loss of desire describe:

“I do not feel like it any more.” Any of it. The desire has gone. You do not know why.

“We have sex out of obligation.” To keep the relationship going. But your heart is not in it.

“They want to, and I do not.” Or the other way round. Different levels of desire create constant tension.

“We have not done anything for months.” And neither of you mentions it. The subject has become taboo.

“I no longer know what I want.” You have lost touch with your own desire.

“It feels as though we are just friends.” Or housemates. But no longer lovers.

When distance becomes painful

When desire fades and affectionate gestures become less frequent, distance can grow. For some couples, this cycle becomes painful; for others, having sex infrequently suits them both.

A vicious circle takes hold.

The distance grows. One person feels rejected. The other feels guilty. The subject becomes taboo.

Desire difficulties I offer support with online

  • Desire has disappeared — You no longer remember what it feels like to want sex.
  • Sex feels mechanical — You do it, but without pleasure or connection.
  • Different levels of desire — One of you wants more, the other less. The tension is constant.
  • Sex has become taboo — You no longer dare to talk about it.
  • Feeling unwanted or unloved — Your partner never initiates. You feel invisible.
  • Affection has gone too — Even simple gestures have disappeared.
  • Lower libido after pregnancy — Your desire has not returned since the baby arrived.

My approach to a loss of desire

I am Scarlett Kaplan, a sex therapist and couples therapist. I work mainly online by video call, and also in Paris.

A loss of desire within a relationship is a central part of my work. We look at your history, your sensations and your relationship, beyond ready-made advice.

My role: to understand what has dampened your desire.

Several things can affect desire: exhaustion, emotional distance, accumulated resentment, difficulty communicating and changes in your body. We explore what is relevant to you, without assuming a single cause.

I help you rebuild, step by step, an intimacy that feels right for you.

There is no judgement. You can talk about sex at your own pace, even if it feels awkward.

What working on desire involves

In the first session, we talk about what is happening, or what no longer happens. About your sex life, your desires and what feels blocked. At your own pace.

We explore what may have held desire back: exhaustion, emotional distance, resentment and things left unsaid. The explanation is not always immediately clear.

We work on two levels: your relationship, including connection and communication; and your body, including sensations, the nervous system and what feels blocked.

Practical, gradual exercises, without pressure to perform. To rebuild intimacy step by step, at home between sessions.

On your own or as a couple, depending on what is most relevant to your situation.

The aim is to reconnect with desire that feels authentic, without forcing it.

Can we talk about sex online?

Yes. Some people find that a screen makes the first conversations easier; others prefer meeting in person. We choose a setting where you can speak freely.

Is talking about sex on a video call awkward?

It can feel awkward, especially at first. Talking about sex is part of my everyday work, and I give you time to find your words.

Is it normal to lose desire after years together?

Common, yes. Inevitable, no. Desire can return, sometimes differently, sometimes in a way that feels better.

What if only one of us has lost desire?

That is very common. We work with this difference, without forcing anything.

Can desire really return?

Desire can change. We look at what is holding it back and what might make room for it, without promising that it will return or asking you to force yourself.

What is the difference between a sexologist and a sex therapist?

Approaches vary according to each practitioner and their training. In my work, I focus on the relational and emotional aspects of sexuality.