Relationships and parenting: working as a team through disagreements

When your approaches to parenting clash

Yet you love each other. And you love your child.

But you are different people. You react differently. You feel differently. What seems obvious to you may not even register with your partner.

Parenting can reveal or amplify disagreements, things left unsaid and different ways of seeing life.

You lose time. You lose energy. Arguing about screens, bedtime and boundaries. Having the same conversations without ever moving forwards.

One of you thinks the other is too strict. The other thinks their partner is too lenient. But underneath, these are not certainties. They are reflexes. Things you have inherited. Fears. And nobody takes time to stop and really think about them.

You are exhausted. Your nervous system is stretched to its limit. There is not enough time to talk, to pause or to think together. And the fear of getting it wrong weighs on everything.

What parenting disagreements can feel like

The couples who come to see me often still love each other. But they can no longer tolerate each other as parents, and it is starting to affect their relationship.

Each person is doing their best. Really. One carries a great deal: the mental load, the organising, the appointments and the meals.

The other tries to help, steps back to avoid getting things wrong, and ends up no longer knowing how to be useful. They feel as though they are always missing the mark, or getting in the way when they try.

And the person carrying the load? They feel they have given everything. They are at the end of their tether. When they snap, their partner thinks they are being aggressive “over nothing”.

Nobody feels recognised. Everyone feels alone.

One parent feels left out. The child always goes to the other. They feel as though they do not matter.

The in-laws get involved. Comments. Unsolicited advice. And your partner says nothing, or takes their family’s side.

The couple has disappeared. Only the parents remain. No time together. No desire. No room for anything beyond practical arrangements.

And at night, the question returns: are we still a couple, or just exhausted teammates?

Parenting conflict: when tension settles in

Your child may pick up on the tension: the silences, the looks, the slamming doors. We can work on this atmosphere without making them carry your difficulties.

Resentment takes hold. Every accusation adds to it. Until one day, someone snaps.

One of you disengages. Emotionally. Physically. They stop speaking, stop asking and stop fighting.

And yet you really did love each other. Perhaps you still do. Somewhere inside, you want to keep that love, and not let it die under the weight of exhaustion and misunderstandings.

Situations I offer support with in couples therapy

Disagreements about parenting. You see the rules differently. This does not mean one of you is right and the other wrong. You have never taken the time to sit down, really talk about it and think together. Behind these arguments, there are often different values that have never been put into words.

An unequal mental load. One person carries everything and reaches breaking point. The other wants to help but no longer knows how. Both feel misunderstood.

One parent feels left out. The child prefers the other, or the other parent takes up all the space. There are feelings of uselessness and rejection.

Parental exhaustion. You have nothing left to give to your child, your partner or yourself. Your nervous system is overwhelmed.

Conflict with the in-laws. Interference, criticism and pressure. And your partner does not stand up for you, or not enough.

The couple has disappeared. You have become parents. But you are no longer lovers or close companions. You are nothing more than teammates.

Who I am

I am Scarlett Kaplan, a sexologist and couples therapist who also specialises in parenting difficulties.

I see couples who love each other but can no longer agree on how to raise their children. I know that arguments about screens or bedtime often have something else beneath them: personal histories, family influences and unspoken fears.

I do not take sides or tell you whose parenting method is right. I help you understand what is getting stuck between you and build something that reflects you both.

I offer ways to help you see more clearly. Sometimes, a deep-rooted difficulty takes time. Sometimes, specific things need to be clarified. We adapt the work to your situation.

What support with your relationship and parenting involves

We begin with a first appointment. You come together. Each person tells their side, even when it is the same story.

A few rules help keep the space safe:

We do not speak for each other. We do not say “you think that…” or “what they really mean is…”. We speak about ourselves: our experience and our impressions.

We do not interrupt, insult or mimic each other.

And if things get out of hand? It happens. Shouting, insults and attacks are part of what couples in crisis bring with them. I interrupt. I point out what happened. And we talk about it. What has just happened, right here, gives us something to work with. It is exactly what we came to work on.

Then we look more closely.

Why do you see parenting so differently? What are you replaying from your own childhood? What are you trying to repair or avoid?

We also work on your relationship. Parenting conflicts sometimes conceal something else: resentment, loneliness, a need for recognition or unresolved experiences.

Between sessions, I give you exercises and conversations to have. When desire or your sex life feels stuck, I offer practical exercises to rebuild step by step.

The aim:

to find a shared direction, while remaining different people. And to make space for the two of you again, beyond your children.

Moving forwards together

We disagree about coming to therapy.

Moving forwards together

That is common. Sometimes one person comes alone first. Sometimes the more reluctant partner agrees to try one session. We see how it goes.

Is this really a relationship problem, or just a parenting issue?

The two are connected. Arguments about children often have unspoken needs between you beneath them.

Can we bring our child?

No. I work with the parents. Your child does not need to carry this.

How many sessions will we need?

It depends on how deep the conflict runs. Some couples make progress in a few sessions. Others need more time.

Moving forwards together

Your child does not need perfect parents. They need parents who talk, listen and move forwards together, even when it is difficult.