When intimacy becomes difficult

Sometimes everything tightens at the thought of penetration. Sometimes it happens with a tampon, during an examination or when being touched. You do not always understand why your body reacts this way.

Perhaps it burns, like a cut. You feel there is ‘no room’. Your legs close despite yourself, your breath catches, or panic arrives before you are even touched.

Or perhaps you feel as though you are no longer really there, or cannot feel anything. Then come the tears, shame, discouragement and comparisons with other people.

Your pain and difficulty deserve to be heard. They say nothing about your worth, your willpower or your ability to have a relationship.

You may already have tried a great deal

An examination where you were told ‘everything is normal’. Conversations that helped without answering all your questions. Prescribed dilators you did not feel able to use, or which did not help as you had hoped.

Perhaps you have tried to force yourself, for your partner or to be like everyone else. Or you have avoided intimacy, relationships, or the whole subject.

We revisit that journey without asking you to repeat mechanically what made things difficult. What has already been suggested, examinations you have had, what helped and what did not: all of it has a place.

Understanding your situation without assuming a cause

I do not assume that all pain comes from stress, trauma or a lack of desire. We look at your situation as a whole, including medical questions that may need another professional.

  • Sensations and circumstances: what hurts, what worries you, and what remains possible or enjoyable.
  • Your history: experiences you want to discuss, whether painful, intrusive or simply difficult to understand.
  • What you have learnt about sexuality, and ideas that reassure or frighten you.
  • Your daily life: tiredness, stress, mental load and how much room there is for you.
  • Your relationships: trust, expectations, and how you talk about your wishes and boundaries.

These are starting points for conversation, not causes assigned to you. We look for what is relevant to you.

A difficulty that varies or occurs in several situations

Sometimes it depends on the moment, partner or situation. An examination may be possible while intimacy remains difficult, or the other way round. Some days are different from others.

Being able to manage one situation does not make the other difficulties imaginary. These variations help us talk precisely about your experience.

For other people, the difficulty is present in every situation they consider. It may have been there from their first attempts, or appeared later.

We take time to distinguish these experiences without ranking them. The starting point, expectations and pace are yours.

My approach and the place of other care

I am Scarlett Kaplan, a sex therapist and couples therapist. I see clients in Paris 14 and by video. My work focuses on your relationship with your body, emotions, desire and intimacy.

I do not prescribe dilators or offer stretching exercises. Medical care or pelvic floor physiotherapy may have a place, depending on your situation. We can talk about how these approaches fit alongside the sessions.

Wanting to experience penetration is valid if that is what you wish. But it does not sum up your sexuality. I also want to make room for what you feel, what you enjoy and what you choose.

We define the aim together. This is not about meeting a norm or making penetration an obligation.

Four areas of work

  1. The body and sensations. Putting words to tension, breathing, touch and the reactions you notice. Exploring sensations without asking you to endure pain.
  2. A sense of safety. Noticing what reassures you or puts you under pressure. Finding ways to help you stay present and express a boundary.
  3. Emotions and history. Talking about shame, discouragement or memories that have a place in your experience, without assuming trauma explains everything.
  4. Sexuality on your terms. Making room again for curiosity, wishes and pleasure. Thinking about a way forward that suits you, with your partner if you wish.

Depending on what suits you, I may suggest talking, visualisation, gentle body-based exercises or approaches such as EMDR, EFT and hypnosis. We discuss their use together.

You can say that an exercise does not suit you, ask for a pause or change direction. The work needs to remain attentive to your experience, including when it is difficult to put into words.

What place is there for your partner?

Your partner can come if you wish. We can clarify what helps, what creates pressure and how to talk about your intimacy.

You can also work on your own. Your choice to seek support does not have to depend on a partner’s availability or willingness to take part.

The pace of the support

The duration depends on your situation, your expectations and what we notice together. I do not promise a breakthrough in a few sessions or the same outcome for everyone.

We review things regularly: what is becoming clearer, what remains difficult, and what suits you in the work. Adjustments or additional care may be part of the process.

Questions you can bring

  • ‘I have never been able to experience penetration.’ We can talk about that starting point without asking you to have already taken a particular step.
  • ‘Sometimes I feel nothing.’ We can explore this experience without immediately giving it an explanation.
  • ‘I do not know what I want.’ You can take time to clarify your expectations.
  • ‘I want pleasure, not just to manage penetration.’ That wish has a full place in the work.