Anorgasmia: exploring pleasure without putting yourself to the test

You may have been waiting a long time

There has been hope: this time, perhaps. Or perhaps the waiting has always been there. You hear other people’s stories and wonder: ‘Why not me?’

You have looked for the right positions, the right moment, the right stimulation. You have read, watched and listened to advice. There are sensations, closeness and sometimes pleasure, but not the moment you are waiting for.

Perhaps orgasm used to be possible and now it is not. You want to understand what has changed in your body, your life or your relationship.

These experiences are not the same. We take time to talk about yours, without deciding for you what you should feel.

How much space the waiting can take

Perhaps you fake it. To bring the waiting to an end, reassure your partner or avoid a difficult conversation. And now explaining what is happening feels complicated: how do you revisit what your partner believed?

Perhaps you monitor your body. ‘Is it coming? Am I aroused enough? Am I doing this properly?’ You assess yourself when you want to be feeling.

You may have stopped looking. You tell yourself that connection is enough. That may be true. Or there may still be a question you would like to explore, without having to play it down.

You may feel guilt towards your partner, anger towards your body or envy when you listen to others. All of this can be said, without becoming further proof that something is wrong with you.

Revisiting what you have already tried

You may have seen a gynaecologist. The examination did not answer all your questions, or an identified issue needs follow-up care. We take that process into account without setting medical questions aside.

You have tried sex toys or other stimulation. It helped a little, or not at all. You have tried relaxation, meditation and advice about ‘letting go’. You have spoken to your partner, who has made an effort.

Perhaps therapy has helped with other things, but this question remains. Or nobody has really given you time to talk about it.

We do not wipe those attempts away. They help us understand what you are looking for, what suits you and what added pressure.

When the search for a result takes over

You are waiting. Perhaps your partner is waiting too. You sense a silent question: will you finally get there? An intimate moment becomes a test whose result you are both waiting for.

You concentrate harder and check what is happening. For some people, this monitoring feels like trying to fall asleep while constantly checking whether sleep is coming.

That image does not explain every difficulty with orgasm. It gives us a way to talk about the place that waiting takes in your own experience.

We can explore what happens when pleasure, curiosity or closeness have space, without every moment having to lead to orgasm. You do not have to turn ‘letting go’ into another instruction to get right.

Shame does not have to decide your sexuality

You may have read that it must be an emotional block, a relationship problem or something from your past. With so many explanations, you have ended up feeling responsible for everything.

I do not reduce you to an assumed cause. Your difficulties do not make you defective or less deserving of pleasure. They deserve to be explored if they concern you.

You can also talk about what you no longer want: faking it, enduring the waiting, avoiding conversations or constantly comparing yourself with others. Your boundaries and wishes matter as much as the question of orgasm.

My role in supporting you

I am Scarlett Kaplan, a sex therapist and couples therapist. I see clients in Paris 14 and online. Orgasm, pleasure and the embarrassment of talking about them are all subjects we can work on.

I welcome you without judgement. I work with you to understand what is happening and find an approach that suits you. You do not have to give me a perfectly ordered story or justify why this question matters.

How we work

We do not begin by setting you an orgasm goal. We begin by understanding your experience: your sexual history, the sensations you can access, the circumstances, what you have tried and what you want.

• Making room for sensations. Exploring touch, breathing or movement without requiring every exercise to produce a result.
• Noticing pressure. Putting words to expectations, apprehension and the habit of assessing yourself.
• Talking about the relationship. Where relevant, clarifying misunderstandings and the place orgasm holds for each of you.
• Practising between sessions. Choosing practical explorations and reviewing how you experience them.

Depending on your situation, I may suggest sensate focus, breathing, exercises that bring attention to the body, or EFT. We discuss their place in the work and adapt anything that does not suit you.

The conversation can broaden: what feels good? What would you like to try? When do you feel present, and when do you feel under pressure? Orgasm can remain something you want without becoming the sole measure of your sexuality.

You retain the choice of what you share and what you practise. A pause or an adjustment is not a failure.

Your partner’s place

Your partner may be attentive and supportive, while also having questions: is it their fault? Do you desire them? Are you satisfied? You may sometimes feel pressure even when they are trying to help.

We can open that conversation. Say what feels good, what does not, what you hope for or what you no longer want to do to reassure your partner.

If you wish, your partner can join a session. This is not about asking them to ‘give’ you an orgasm, but thinking together about intimacy that makes room for both of you.

You can also come on your own. Their participation is not a condition for starting or for your decision to seek support to matter.

What about physical questions or medication?

If you have questions about a physical cause, hormones or medication, a doctor or gynaecologist can review them with you. Sex therapy does not replace that assessment or assume that everything is psychological.

We can take that care into account while also talking about your intimate experience, expectations and relationship with pleasure.

The pace of the work

I do not promise change after three or four sessions. The duration depends on your situation, your expectations and how you experience the suggestions.

We review regularly what is becoming clearer, what remains difficult and the direction you want to take. Not having an orgasm at a particular moment is not a verdict on your efforts.

Does orgasm have to be your priority?

That is for you to say. If this question matters to you, it deserves to be explored. If you mainly want less pressure, more sensation or an easier conversation with your partner, those wishes have a place too.

You do not have to convince yourself that it does not matter, or turn it into an obligation. We look for what allows you to experience a sexuality that belongs to you.

If you feel as though you cannot feel anything, we can also begin there, without imposing an explanation or an expected sensation.