How the difficulty affects you

You begin having sex and then lose your erection. Sometimes it is different when you are alone or with a partner. You monitor what is happening instead of enjoying the intimacy.

Your partner may wonder whether you desire them. You may feel humiliated, disappointing or ‘less of a man’. These judgements are part of what we can look at together.

Your masculinity is not measured by your erection. What matters is understanding your situation and how it affects your intimate life.

Situations you can bring

  • An erection that does not happen when you want it to.
  • An erection that comes and then fades during sex.
  • An erection that does not allow the penetration you want.
  • Differences between time alone and time with a partner.
  • The fear of not being able to, before you have even begun.
  • Avoiding sex so you do not have to relive a painful situation.

Making room for medical assessment

It would be too quick to conclude that everything comes from stress or your relationship. A medical consultation can address physical questions and possible treatments. Having an erection in some circumstances does not replace this assessment.

I do not prescribe medication. Its potential benefits and use should be discussed with the doctor supporting you. Sex therapy can focus on your experience of the difficulty and your intimate life.

We can talk about the steps you have already taken, so that your body, emotions and relationship do not feel like separate, unconnected subjects.

What we explore in sex therapy

I am Scarlett Kaplan, a sex therapist. I see clients online and in Paris 14. We seek to understand what you are experiencing without deciding on the cause in advance.

  • Apprehension and performance pressure: what you expect of yourself, what you fear and the moments when you assess yourself.
  • Daily life: stress, tiredness and how much room there is for intimacy.
  • Your relationship: expectations, misunderstandings, tension or difficulty talking about sexuality.
  • Sexual habits and beliefs you would like to discuss, without judgement.
  • Sensations: what feels good, what distracts you and what makes you uncomfortable.

We may use breathing exercises, attention to sensations and sensate focus. These are offered as explorations to adapt, not as a way of producing an erection on demand.

What happens in sessions

  1. Understanding your situation. How long has this been happening? At what moments? How does it affect you and your relationship? We also revisit any medical steps already taken.
  2. Clarifying expectations. What troubles you, what you hope to regain and the questions that matter most to you.
  3. Trying practical tools. We choose exercises and a way of practising them that suit you.
  4. Adjusting as we go. We look at what you notice between sessions, without treating each experience as a verdict on your progress.

The aim is to make more room for sensations, pleasure and communication. I do not promise an automatic response from the body when pressure decreases.

Your partner’s place

You can begin on your own. If you wish, your partner can join some sessions to talk about their questions and what is happening between you.

We can clarify interpretations: erection difficulties, the desire you feel and affection within your relationship are not always expressed in the same words. Each of you can describe your experience without having to guess the other’s.

Meeting online and finding your pace

Video sessions let you talk from a private place, without travelling. We take time to see whether you feel comfortable using this format to discuss intimacy.

There is no promised timescale for change. We agree a pace and review what the sessions are bringing you, taking your situation and any other care into account.

You can come with embarrassment, hesitation or a sense of not knowing where to begin. That, too, can be a starting point.